another dreary life update

10/10/2026

long time no see! i wish i could report that things have been wonderful since i went on hiatus, but unfortunately, its been quite the opposite. it feels like everything in my life has some kind of problem going on at the moment... and while i'm not going to dump all of that on my personal-but-still-public website, there was one thing i wanted to talk about...

perhaps the harshest thing i've been going through lately is that me and my boyfriend of four years broke up. it was a mutual break up, but not one that either of us wanted. in fact most of the break up was spent affirming how much we love each other. but there were incompatibilities we couldn't and wouldn't ever be able to work out and we both knew it was better to cut things off now than to keep holding on. i wish that knowledge made things easier. actually, i think it makes them a lot worse! i can't even cuss him out or hate him. i know logically this is for the better in the long term, but it sucks so hard right now. i'm having a really tough go of it and there's nothing i can really do but wait for it to stop.

i started this year on a pretty high note and that optimism carried on for a while but lately i feel like i've taken a great step backwards. i've written before in this diary about coming to terms with the fact that i'll probably never be "better," whatever that means, and will live my life going through these cycles of highs and lows. i don't think at that time i expected i could ever feel any lower... but we pick up and move on i suppose!

i started this diary as a way to confront my emotions but truth be told, i really hate writing about this kind of thing on here. i think i still have a lot of issues with viewing my emotions as anything but pathetic. it's tough to articulate how you feel when the whole time you're doing it feels like a humiliation ritual. and the other thing is like... i do want to get these emotions i'm dealing with from this break up out somewhere and i've tried talking to friends but to be honest, the only person i really want comfort from right now is him. it all just feels really unfair.

anyways! i'm thinking about going back to school for a publishing certificate. truth be told i really, really don't want to, but the job search just isn't panning out. i'd like to get another part time retail job or even a very basic full time office job before i do because i'm not really having a blast at the hardware store anymore, but even that's been tough. as exhausted as i am with the prospect of more schooling though, i think it'll be good at have something to focus on and towards.

i don't think this is going to be the end of my little hiatus either. i'm still kind of figuring out how i feel about navigating a space where i never know if i'm interacting with people i find very abhorrent, but also just because like. i'm in such a slump that i don't even really get on my pc anymore. i managed to rouse myself for a few days to play through dressmaker (which was great btw) but otherwise i can't even really collect the energy for that. we'll see how things go.

i hope you're all well as always.

smile like you mean it - the killers